Hell is a Waiting Room in Jersey

Now that we've bypassed that uncomfortable business of making first impressions, we can get down to business. Small talk is not one of my strong suits, much like karaoke-ing, cooking, and arts and crafts. Sometimes I envision my personal hell to be a sterile white waiting room where you're forced to make excruciatingly awkward small talk with astonishingly dull individuals for, oh say, all of eternity. Yeah, that would suck big time.

Honestly, skipping the small talk was in everyone's best interest because when I get nervous you just never know what kind of mindless babble will spew forth. And then I'm just left with damage control, which generally involves some conspicuous eye darting action and impromptu escape route planning. It's all very tiresome. 

This brings me to my next point: learning to write coherently and succinctly. As you've witnessed above, I need major help in curbing the verbal diarrhea. It would be fantastic to be able to write posts that are entertaining and witty and insightful, but for now I'll settle for grammatically correct. Hopefully one day I'll be able to handle the big words and ideas with more finesse than "a profoundly retarded child petting a cat"*. Maybe when I grow up.  

Now, if only I can punch this jet lag in the face and get to sleep. One issue at a time, I tells ya. 

*Plagiarized from The Chem Blog because I still need the training wheels. And because inappropriate humor just tickles me to the bone. Yeah, I know, how gay. 

Of Thanksgiving Leftovers, Elephants and Jane Austen

So, it has finally come down to it. The first post. Perhaps it is the jet lag that is to blame or the unsettling feeling in my stomach due to that extra helping of leftover turkey; in any case, here I am at 3 am trying to crank out a respectable (i.e., coherent) post instead of just passing out. As a virgin blogger, I have to wonder: how do I circumvent the awkwardness of the first time all the while coming across as witty and sincere? Be myself? Hells no. Ignore the situation and pretend like I write beautiful prose and am not fraught with insecurities? I think we have a winner. 

In the spirit of ignoring elephants in the room, I think it is best to fall back on Jane Austen-type niceties in awkward situations. Jane Austen characters always have such a knack for ignoring uncomfortable truths through discussions of weather and marriage and if that doesn't get people off your back then getting them sloshed on port and banging out show tunes on the piano forte usually smoothes things right over.

Now, I think a round of introductions is in order. Firstly, I am Bean. Secondly, I live in an incredibly dull town where bikes are not locked, or better yet, they are locked only to themselves, a practice that I find impossibly retarded. That shit would not fly back at home. Hopefully I'll make it out of here without having to be lobotomized. I'll let you know. 

And here we go. This will be fun. I promise.